Discouragement

This week in my personal devotions and prayer time I have been in II Cor. chapter 4. Right off the bat in vs. 1 the smack-down begins with this verse "Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart"! Sheesh God, why not shout a little louder at me?

I rarely write about discouragement on this blog. Is it because I don't feel it? No! Mainly, it's because I want people to be encouraged, blessed, give people a window into missionary life in what I write. I don't want to have to change the name of the blog to something along the lines of "Doom and Gloom". And then God divinely began to place questions on my mind - So, you're writing about missionary lifestyle, yet you give people the false perception that you never get discouraged? You want to encourage and bless in your writing, but what if you asked for prayer during your discouragement, could not allowing someone to pray for you bless or encourage them when they see prayers answered?

So, here's a little window into my world as of late. I am discouraged. Um, maybe I should have written that in bold type because that would be more accurate! I mean, I am REALLY DISCOURAGED with language study! I've been taking lessons for a year and a half now, three days a week, an hour each day. Somewhere in my head, my brain, it doesn't seem to be clicking to me. English is such a formal language and Spanish is so informal. For example, we would say, "The blue car", here, they say, "the car blue". I plain have trouble with what feels like I am speaking backwards. Not to mention what seems like an unending list of conjugation rules!

Today, I wasn't even ten minutes into my Spanish lesson and started to cry. While my Spanish teacher was a comfort and encouragement to me I just wanted to share what it feels like on a very real, day to day basis not to be fluent in this language and be involved in ministry.

First, I feel like an 18-month-old in a 46-year-old's body; learning new words, having to repeat them or have them repeated to me so I say them correctly and can make the "connection" between object/meaning and word. Second, when an 18-month-old speaks to you, do you usually get what they are saying? I don't, so, I smile and look at the parent and ask for an interpretation. The only problem is, this 18-month-old has her 16-year-old or 14-year-old interpret for her! That's embarrassing and in some odd way feels like a sick role reversal. Therefore, I really don't have any independence to invite people or a friend over for coffee, or a dessert with conversation without my children nearby. This coming from a person who is very relational is difficult. I guess that is the most discouraging for me!

Well, anyways, I am putting this post up and I'm going to ask boldly, "would you please pray for me" regarding language study? I trust that since God has given us this ministry, certainly not because He needed us, but through Him, he is allowing us, that the light bulb is going to go on someday soon and I should just keep plugging along and not lose heart. Knowing that people are supporting me in prayer would be such an encouragement! Thank you so much!

"Okay God, I did it. Can I please go to bed now"? :)